How the Realisation of Fear helped me Change.
I’ve been someone, much like many others and most probably even yourself, that starts and stops so many new ‘things’ whether it’s a new hobby, new good habit, a work task, basically anything that involves changing something (which required extra effort from the usual day to day).
Now we know that Change is Constant, it is always happening around us.
I don’t know if it is just me but I find it easier to accept external change than to actually change something internally.
Probably because to us, the world tends to revolve around us and how we see/perceive the world. We are primary, everything else external is secondary.
Change means Loss. Losing something that you have been doing, for example, I have been trying to lose weight for years, I have finally become aware of the fact that I have been focused on quick diets that help me lose 5kg in a week which then inevitably I put back on (and more) later down the line.
The whole thing of immediate gratification is something I will cover in another writing, but definitely and issue to be discussed.
Anyways, through years of trying and failing I realised to lose weight and keep it off I need to do a whole damn 360 on my life, to have what I want I would have to control what I eat, how much I eat, stop myself from binging, chop off my hand as it reaches to grab another brownie, tell myself I can cook at home no pizza today no…among many other things.
I would have to Change, this means not doing the things that I have happily been doing for years, this means losing my comfort in food (comfort eating being the main reason I piled on the weight). This means that when my emotions heighten I need to find another coping strategy than at the bottom of an ice cream tub. When you think about it, it is not just my eating habits I will have to change, other habits too, in this case adding a new positive habit to bring my emotions back down to balance, it will impact other parts of my life (since everything is connected).
I don’t hate change, I have made very spontaneous changes in my life that have had no repercussions to my state of mind. Once upon a time I wanted to get a degree in Psychotherapy and open up my own practice, within seconds one summer evening I decided sod that I want to study to be a Life Coach (I would like to point out I did do a lot of research before making this decision, thank you to rational me).
This made me question why was that so easy. My career decision was not cemented, since I left university I explored about 4 different career routes (Clinical psychologist, Psychiatry, High School Teacher, Psychotherapist), my experience in various different mental health teams and my curiosity made me ask professionals questions, opinions; I spoke to patients, service users, asked what did they find helpful. There was a part of me that was not 100% in my decision to study further as a Psychotherapist. (Fun Fact : I was turned down from doing a Psychotherapy Masters, as the interviewer essentially told me I was too young and I did not have enough life experience.. I was 22 and very angry, 4 years later I am so very thankful that the universe guided me to where I am today, I really did not know myself at that age).
The point is I was not invested and the idea was not cemented in my mind, therefore changing my career direction did not cause me any pain.
Changing something that has taken years to cultivate, or something we have poured our heart and soul into is very hard, there is Attachment there.
I decided to be a Life Coach 8 months ago and it fears me typing this as it feels much less than this, mainly because I have not achieved much, this is a negative thought and I, much like you, will have to work on changing these negative thoughts that pop into my head into something better. Using this example let’s give it a go, yes I have not achieved what I wished to in my Coaching business as I had expected however I feel content, less confused in life, i finally have a sense of direction and I am more aware of myself (stating Facts always helps when reframing thoughts).
I’ll be honest my state of mind now is much different to what it was a month ago.
I did it guys, I changed.
What I did, that was not helpful, was avoid, I did this through scrolling on social media, Netflix, seeing my friends, drinking alcohol, essentially doing whatever I could so that I did not have to do what I wanted to do for me to succeed (which mainly was just starting, as Mark Manson stated in Atomic Habits, those 2 minutes in the beginning is all you need to jump start and get the job done).
After some self-work I realised it’s fear.
I have concluded there are two main sources in life, the Dark and the Light, the Darkness in us is Fear, the Light in us is love.
Here my fear was failure, if I do it I may fail, if I don’t do it… well actually I still fail! What would I rather do? The embodiment of this realisation hit me hard.
It may seem so trivial but the self-awareness and the application of it in my thinking and my actions allowed me to see this fear functioning through other aspects of life too, such as changing my lifestyle, being healthier and losing weight. Thinking if I start I may not lose as much weight as I want, so there is no point. Fear. To thinking if i don’t then I definitely will not.
What would I rather Choose?
Now I wake up at 7am, I exercise, I read, I meditate, I journal, I do all the things I wish I did, I do all the things I have tried to maintain and failed, I do all the things that I used to fear and now, now I love them.
(Psst : I am not perfect, I am human and there are days I don’t do what I wish to and THAT IS OKAY, because there is always more time for me to get back on it!)
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